Surrounded by beautiful trees, a handsome friend and I were sitting under a starry night sky when he started asking me questions about my life. It was extraordinarily romantic and, at the same time, not because he had a girlfriend. I knew that, but didn’t think that “just talking” could hurt in any way. The more deep and really well-considered questions he asked me, the more details and things I revealed that I usually didn’t just tell others. I thought it wasn’t a problem – until the next morning. I woke up and felt incredibly close and very attached to this friend, while dawning that of course he was still with his girlfriend. I was so irritated that I felt so terrible when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I hadn’t kissed him. I hadn’t even touched this guy. what happened there? I grew up in a community that communicated clear physical boundaries, such as “don’t have sex before marriage” and of course “don’t kiss a man who is with another woman”. That evening, however, it would have helped me a lot more to know more about emotional limits.
Emotional boundaries are often somewhat more complex than their physical counterparts and definitely not as often an issue as the latter. Have you ever felt that you just couldn’t get over someone? That doesn’t necessarily mean that you two were meant for each other. It could just as well just mean that despite the fact that the other person did not want a relationship, you have repeatedly crossed emotional boundaries. You are immersed more and more in a shared intimacy – and without any obligation. Let’s look at another example:
I had a friend I was with all the time. I assumed I had made it clear that I didn’t want a relationship. Spending time with him every day for two wasn’t a problem in my view. When he finally asked me if we would ever have a relationship, I said I didn’t expect it. My ego naturally wanted to admit that he asked because I was such a great catch, in fact irreplaceable, but I wasn’t. Within a few weeks he found a wonderful girl with whom he was happy. He had thought that it would amount to a relationship with us because we practically already had one and not because I had any particularly outstanding qualities. Then when he got together with someone else, I was pretty kinked and didn’t really understand why. The reason for this was as follows: I had allowed him to satisfy a number of my emotional needs and to treat him as if he were my friend, even though he wasn’t.
At this point I would like to clarify briefly that it is not necessarily wrong to establish a personal relationship with someone and to deepen a connection. When you actively get to know someone or are in a relationship, these things can really bring you closer to each other and that’s your goal after all. The whole thing becomes a problem if you do this repeatedly with someone you don’t want to have a relationship with (or that person does that with you). Learning to be aware of these facts can save you and the people in your life from pain and confusion. I would like to give you the following points, which I noticed that they deepen intimacy and can therefore lead to emotional boundaries being exceeded:
1.Tell things that you only share with a few people (fears, struggles, past pain, hopes and longings, dreams and moments of joy) – you feel very special when someone shares these things with you and access to your inner self World granted. Maybe you are the one …
2. Talk about sensitive details and difficult moments from each other’s life and family – the good, the bad, the ugly … these are the things you don’t have to talk about in intimate togetherness under a starry night sky.
3. Spending a lot of time together, especially as a couple – you can actually remember that very well: Too much time, touching, writing or talking is always a flirt with the next level of friendship.
4. Make plans for the future, imagine them and talk about them as if the other person would definitely find a place in them – this is especially true for us women. We quickly start planning our wedding, honeymoon or the next five years. Men, we urgently need you here and it helps a lot if you don’t say anything to us about such topics, unless you actually want to do something.
5. Caring or repeatedly doing special things to meet someone else’s needs – if you are constantly doing things for someone that you don’t do for everyone, that person will also feel like someone special. Strange, I know – but that’s how it works.
Guys, if you behave like this towards a woman, it shouldn’t surprise you if she only sees hearts. Girls, if you deal with men like this, you shouldn’t fall out of the clouds if he thinks you would like to get to know him better and are interested in a relationship. I know, I know. You are probably very charming and attractive and that makes you irresistible. But you will probably make him your boyfriend too, though he isn’t, or keep letting her go on even if you don’t want to make her a friend, so stop it. Rather, try to have a conversation and make room for you to be able to tell each other what you are up to. So you both gain clarity and have no false expectations (link in English). Ever deeper intimacy naturally results in the expectation of a firm commitment and commitment, even if one or both of you have no intention of making such an obligation.
Even in a relationship, it’s still important to set emotional limits. You can’t even jump from intimacy level zero to one hundred overnight. Maybe he likes the same films as you and has the perfect personality. She is possibly the most beautiful woman on earth that you have ever seen. That doesn’t change the fact that you still need to build trust and go through every phase of a relationship to put it on a good footing. Don’t rush it. Take the time you need for each phase.
We’ve talked about this before, but keep in mind that the level of intimacy with a person shouldn’t exceed the level of commitment. Of course, this applies primarily to physical boundaries, but can also be applied to boundaries of an emotional nature. By sharing things and feelings from your life that you only tell a few people, you are allowing someone to take a deep look into your heart. The other person can be as trustworthy as you can be, but as long as they have not made a firm commitment to you, there are some parts of your heart to which they have not yet earned access.
So, ladies, should you find yourself under a wonderful starry night sky with a handsome man who has a girlfriend, I don’t care how well thought out his questions are, keep the whole thing superficial! Favorite color, favorite chocolate bar and favorite cheese, but that’s about it. Things are very different, of course, if he is still available and would like to get to know you better – but that’s another story …